The Tantra Fusion Blog

I was honoured to give the reading at a friends’ wedding on the weekend. They’d chosen a reading they liked, but wanted it ‘sexed up a bit’ - and who better to ask? Like most wedding readings it was beautiful and poetic and spoke all about love and commitment and sharing and respecting, all good and important aspects of marriage - but nothing about sex and intimacy. As my friends rightly said: “It’s our sexual connection that brought us together and it’s what makes our relationship unique - so we want that celebrated in our wedding ceremony too!”

So, in the reading, I pointed out that a marriage (or any long-term relationship) is built on the three pillars of being friends, partners and lovers. You need all three in a strong, meaningful and fulfilling relationship.

Being friends means just that: enjoying each other’s company, sharing conversation and activities, and generally being good companions.

Being partners means being teammates in the game of life: being able to successfully run your household and family, managing the logistical parts of life.

Being lovers means never taking each other for granted, never slipping into complacency. It’s about maintaining a passion and desire for each other throughout the years, and having a quality life-enhancing sex life, whatever your age.

When you’ve got all three, you’ve got a great relationship. Many relationships fall down in one or more areas:
- my own marriage was strong in the partnership and lovers area, but we were never good enough friends for it to last;
- there are plenty of cases of couples with friendship and passion, but just can’t manage the logistics (especially when drugs, alcohol, gambling is involved);
- and certainly what I see most commonly in my practice, is couples where the lovers side of things is wavering or disappeared.

Enjoy the companionship of friends, manage the logistics of life as partners and feel the pleasure of lovers!

If you feel your relationship needs some nurturing in the passion department, or even if that part’s good and you want to keep it good, then attend one or both of my couples workshops, Luscious Lovers and Tantric Lovers.

I was asked this question from a chap in America:
"Recently I asked the folks at "Dear Cupid" a question about the etiquette of when a man may permissably glance at a woman's breasts. For some reason they found my question "innappropriate to publish." To me given the fact that heterosexual relationships start with a man and women visually interacting with one another that the question of when it is okay to glance at a woman's breasts seems extraordinarily fundamental. Many men don't seem to know that it isn't bad to look because hardly anybody tells them they can. So what is the deal and can't somebody write something on this?" 
This was my reply:
Regarding men looking at women's breasts - of course you like it, it's natural! That's why women evolved breasts, because we walk upright so you see her chest (you don't need obvious breasts to breastfeed a child, other primates don't have them, and very flat-chested women can nurse just fine).

In fact, a study (whose reference escapes me) proved that when men look at women's breasts every day, even photos of breasts, they were much calmer and happier than men who didn't.

As to the etiquette of looking at women's breasts. Just be subtle, no woman wants a man to address her breasts rather than her face when they're talking. If you have a partner, admire her breasts often, and otherwise enjoy the discrete appreciation of the women around you.

I'm often asked what's the difference between sex therapy and coaching, and where Tantra fits in.

In a nutshell, Sex Therapy fixes sexual dysfunctions to make people sexually functional. Sex (and Relationship) Coaching, takes functional people and makes them exceptional. As I do both, I can help you fix the problems, and then take you beyond - far beyond - into the realm of exceptional! That's where the Tantra comes in.

What is Sex Therapy?
Sex Therapy is a modality of sexual healing to help people with sexual dysfunctions become sexually functional. This involves addressing the psychological barriers to sexual health and well-being as well as providing sexual education and correction of limiting or false beliefs around sex and sexuality. Once healing has occurred, Sex Coaching can then take the individual or client to greater sexual awareness and fulfillment.

What is Sex Coaching?
Sex Coaching is pathway for sexual growth. Sex Coaching is a client-focused approach that works with sexually functional individuals and couples to enable them to deepen and expand their experience of sex, love and intimacy. Depending on the needs of the client, it may include ancient and esoteric teachings (see Tantra Teaching), sex education and instruction. The Coach helps the client to discover and enhance their own eroticism to create a love life that is one of ongoing growth and fulfillment.

What is Relationship Coaching?
Relationship coaching is a professional client-focused service where an essentially functional individual or couple is guided to create their desired relationship with effective support and information. The Coach enables the client(s) to become clear about their needs, hopes and desires, and to develop understandings and strategies to achieve these in a mutually supportive way. While past hurts and history may be addressed, the focus is more on moving forward, with the aim of enabling ongoing personal and relationship growth.

What is Tantra Teaching?
Tantra is a spiritual and energetic approach to sex and life that comes from ancient India. Along with the Taoists of China and Qidosha from North America, these approaches to sex, love and intimacy are much broader and deeper than conventional western understandings. Through practices that include breathing, mindfulness, moving energy and sensual touch, you will learn to connect with your partner is a way that is real, deep, erotic, poetic and intensely beautiful. Tantra sessions do not involve nudity or intimate touch - that’s the homework!


Book in for private sessions or attend Tantra Fusion Workshops to take your relationship and sex life to functional and beyond!

2012 has long been declared the year of change, some seeing it as the end of the world, and others as the end of our old, limited ways of thinking. I’m sure it’s the latter. 

I’ve spent my whole life exploring spirituality and consciousness (of which you well know I believe sexuality to be an important component). I used to have to do it almost in secret and was considered odd if anyone knew about it. In my undergraduate science degree I was scoffed at by the lecturers, yet now I’m constantly reading books on scientists and academics on spirituality and science, and the unfolding knowledge around consciousness is so exciting, really bringing together ancient wisdom with modern scientific knowledge.

I do believe the overall consciousness of humanity has reached a level where enough people are of a sufficiently high level that real and lasting positive change can happen here on Earth. More and more I notice people coming to me, knowing there has to be more to sex, somehow intuiting that sex can be an integral part to a life lived on a higher plane of consciousness. That sex can be creative, that making love mindfully enhances life and makes one grow.

And I am so glad that I am in a position to help everyone realise that for themselves!

Expand your own sexual consciousness this year with private sessions or attend the lusciously inspiring Tantra Fusion Workshops.

Penises love a woman’s softness. Why then, do so many women feel they need to stimulate a man so hard?

A woman is not a wanking machine, nor is she a vacuum cleaner. Yet so many women act like this in bed with a man.

If he really wants the intensity of a man from his partner, then tell him to explore his bisexual side! Seriously - bisexual men tell me that the pleasure of being with a man is the intensity and hardness of the encounter.

The problem is that so many men have never even had their penises touched tenderly and softly.

Because men tend to be pretty intense when masturbating, they think that’s the only way to pleasure their penis, and so expect the same from their female partner. But once a man has experienced the sensation of tender stimulation of his penis (given with true erotic desire and connection), well, he won’t turn back. It’s a wonderful sensation.

Which is not to say that there aren’t times when you won’t want to make love with vigour and enthusiasm. Most of the time however, be a woman! Hold and caress and stroke your man’s penis with intense softness and passionate tenderness. He’ll love it!

(And never again will you get RSI of the forearm, aching neck or sore cheeks…)

To find out more about loving a man as a woman, come along to my Luscious Woman workshop. Or book in for a private session.

Foreplay is generally seen as what you do before you get to intercourse, to prepare yourselves (especially the woman) to be ready to receive ‘penetration’ by the man. Intercourse is seen as a vigorous activity consisting of the man thrusting into the woman, or less frequently, the woman bouncing around on the man.

The problem with this limited view is that it assumes:
1) that intercourse is the ‘main event’ of sex and that other activities simply lead-up to that ‘main event’;
2) that intercourse is such a vigorous activity that plenty of preparation is required.

But let’s look at this differently. Let’s say that:
1) intercourse isn’t the main event, that it’s just one of many elements of sex and love-making;
2) intercourse doesn’t have to be vigorous and requiring lots of preparation;
3) intercourse can in essence be part of the foreplay.

Now that’s a different view!

If you’ve been reading all my posts lately, you’ll notice that I’ve been focusing on sensuality and exploring the ‘valleys’ of sex rather than the ‘peaks’, and particularly on softening and making the vagina more receptive, and even making love with a soft cock.

With this approach the lines between foreplay and sex blur and it all becomes part of a flow of love-making that changes every time and can last from moments to hours.

Gentle intercourse can start the whole sexual encounter, even without any movement at all. Having your genitals connected while gazing into each other’s eyes, or kissing, or simply lying there enjoying the feeling of genital connection - is a type of foreplay. That could be enough in itself, or it might lead on to more vigorous intercourse, or more vigorous oral or manual, or bring in toys, lie around in 69 for ages, get up and dance, chat, have a cup of tea, and then do it all again… Whatever! Create something wonderful and new every time!

There is so much pressure on penises. The poor things are supposed to rise to attention on command, stay hard for hours, only ejaculate when desired - and if they can’t do that, then the sex is considered poor.

What’s wrong with a soft cock?? There’s plenty of pleasure to be had with one:
- It’s lovely and soft and malleable.
- It feels good for the man to have his soft cock handled.
- It’s easy for the woman to play with a soft cock with her hands or mouth.
- Intercourse can feel better with a softer cock, particularly anal.
- You can even have sex with a completely soft cock - it’s part of the gentle approach I’ve been talking about, where you simply join genitals, do nothing, and notice the subtle ecstatic sensations that arise.

If the woman wants something hard and phallic inside and there’s no erection on hand to satisfy, well then, use your hands! Talented digital stimulation of the vagina is a wonderful thing. Or use toys - dextrous use of dildos and vibrators is a similarly excellent experience. Or check out the pantry and grab a carrot!

I was on radio recently and a lovely man called up to say ever since he became impotent due to a heart condition, he and his wife had been having better sex than ever as he’d become so skilful with his hands!

Really, the only people who benefit from our obsession with the hard erection are the drug companies and porn companies. They make men feel inadequate without the massive phallus, and women too have an expectation that if it’s not hard it’s not on.

Such a shame. The erection, like quality love-making, will ebb and flow. As your love-making becomes more fluid and responsive, you’ll easily flow with the state of the penis - if it’s hard, go for the shag, if it’s not, go for the myriad other pleasures that don’t require a rock hard cock.

My encouragement for women to tune into their receptive sexual side is sometimes met with horror, as though I’m encouraging women to take a passive role sexually.

I’m not at all, ‘receptive’ does not mean ‘passive’. Passive is a state of doing nothing, not connecting, not feeling, being uninvolved. To be receptive is quite the opposite. You might not physically be doing much, but there’s certainly a lot happening.

To waken your body to subtlety and exquisite sensation, you need to have heightened sensitivity. This takes strong connection and deep feeling. There’s no way you’d get that level of connection and feeling through being passive.

For women in particular, as I wrote recently in the post on Awakening Your Vagina, so many of us have become so hardened vaginally through intense sexual encounters of a very physical kind, that we can’t feel. That means sex requires more intensity to produce feeling, which over time often means women lose interest in sex because they’re not really feeling it, or it takes so much effort to feel anything it’s not worth it. Well meaning partners might try harder and harder to create interest and response in their lover, but unfortunately they’re doing the opposite to what is required to waken their lover’s body and spirit to true feeling.

Our society’s focus on what is quite an asexual approach to sex doesn’t help, particularly since it’s limited to the Adolescent Male Masturbatory Model of Sex, which is all about strong libido, vigorous genital engagement and explosive orgasms. This approach is all about doing rather than feeling, so people, particularly women, try harder to ‘do’ something, rather than simply receiving. This is tiring and doesn’t allow the subtle feelings needed to enjoy sex to awaken.

The more a woman softens and receives, the more she feels, the more satisfying the sexual encounter for her and therefore the more satisfying it is for him. And paradoxically, the more ‘active’ she is likely to be as she’s enjoying herself so much!

It’s not just women though. Men too, even if they are more naturally drawn to the active role, have a lot to learn through the experience of being receptive (and no, that it is not a discrete way of referring to men receiving anal play!) For a man to be able to truly give, he needs to know how to receive. It will also slow him down and be less intense sexually, which is required for a woman to be able to relax and receive.

When lovers come together with the woman welcoming the man into her, and he is able to accept the invitation and enter with depth of feeling and connection, they’ll make sexual magic. It’s a feeling that will grow with time and age.


To learn more about becoming more fully into your feminine and being able to soften and open up in this way, I recommend you attend my Tantra Fusion workshops.

Or book in for private Tantra instruction and sex therapy.

Would you like your vagina to be exquisitely sensitive, alive to nuance and sensation and responsive to ecstatic subtleties?

Then you need to wake up your vagina!

Unfortunately our focus in this society on the harder side of sex, the ‘peaks’ rather than the ‘valleys’ of sex, means that many women have energetically ‘hardened their vaginas. The focus on the ‘bigger, harder, faster’, rather than the ‘slower, softer, subtler’, means that women have lost the ability to sense subtlety and softness through the walls of their vaginas. If you can’t feel in your vagina then you either need increasingly more intense stimulation, or you forget about the vagina and focus on the clitoris as your primary sexual organ, (which is fine, but limited) - or you give up on sex altogether because it just doesn’t feel like much.

When your vagina is awake though, it becomes so sensitive in the most delightful of ways! It becomes highly receptive and attuned to subtle energies and exquisite variations of sensation.

This is very different to the intense thrusting most of us view as good sex (although as I always stress, I’ve got nothing against a good shag, just that it’s only one aspect of good sex!).

To wake your vagina up, you need to spend time being purely receptive. The easiest way to do this is to have some lovely non-genital foreplay (especially kissing) with your partner so you’re feeling connected and yummy together. Then you lie back and relax and allow him to touch your body and your genitals, gently, tenderly and softly. Then when you really want to invite him inside you, only then you allow his penis in.

Have a sense of ‘enveloping’ his penis, feeling that you are embracing it with your vagina. Although you are receptive, you are not passive, energetically your vagina is awake and attuned.

With his penis fully inside you, really feel it. Let him hold it still for a while, even for some minutes, then move very slowly and gently. (If he’s having trouble being so slow himself, practice wtih you on top first, barely moving, then moving in slow little circles around and around.) Relax and breathe to your belly. Feel what it’s like with and without eye contact. Try some gentle contractions with your vagina, giving his penis a gentle massage with the walls of your vagina. Notice how different parts of your vagina feel.

Then slowly build up to stronger thrusts, all the while being aware of how your vagina is feeling and responding.

For those of us more used to a unisex approach to sex, where you’re both ‘giving’ to each other, rather than allowing one or the other to purely ‘receive’, then this approach might seem one-sided. Once you get used to it and have woken up your vagina, then you’ll understand why you need to approach it this way. The amazing sensations, and the orgasmic spaces you can go to with an awakened vagina engaging in ‘valley’ style sex, are just wonderful!

Our five senses of sight, sound, smell, taste and touch are wonderful tools to explore sensuality and eroticism. By suppressing or enhancing the senses you can create and experience all kinds of enchanting pleasures.

Here are some suggestions to inspire you in your own sensual adventures:

Touch your partner with items of different texture and temperature. Try a feather, a piece of silk, a body brush, a loofah. Try things that have been heated or cooled, such as warm oil or ice-blocks. Use everyday items: the end of a belt, a scarf, a fork, the back of a spoon… The possibilities are endless.

Try doing it blindfolded, or with the receivers hands tied for a different effect (of course with their agreement!) Blocking out the main sense of sight can heighten the other senses, as can being restrained in some way (keeping in mind that not everyone is comfortable with restraint).

 Feed your partner: have a selection of unknown items that they can’t see, make them all delicious, or mix them up (gerkins and chocolate!); feed your partner chocolate mousse or rice pudding. Or blindfold both of you and try feeding each other (messy, but fun!)

Arouse the olfactory: have scented candles or an oil burner in the room; wave perfume or essential oils or fresh herbs under their nose (and run the latter over their body)

Have music playing, and vary the types of music, noting the difference on how it affects your love-making and sensory play. Try putting headphones on one person while the other does delicious things to their body. Bang bongoes together, play a Tibetan singing bowl, tuning forks, rub the rim of a crystal glass or create some other interesting sounds.

And sight, the main sense. Try simply looking at each other, holding the gaze for a number of minutes. Have one look at the other, just simply looking - this can be initially confronting for the receiver, but can become highly erotic and arousing. Do a slow undress or striptease, model lingerie or do a simple yet sensual dance for your partner.

Then combine all the elements in various ways. This is wonderful play that arouses and pleasures without even having to involve the genitals. The possibilities are endless and only limited by your imagination.

So go forth and play! Become sensual explorers and experiment with sensation and the senses to take yourselves to new places of eroticism and sensuality…

To experience more, I suggest you attend one of my Tantra Fusion Workshops. And for the ultimate experience for sensual explorers, attend “In the Realm of Enchantment” a couple’s Tantra Fusion retreat in Dalat, Vietnam, next June.