The Tantra Fusion Blog

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I was in session with a wonderful couple recently. Like so many of my clients they really love each other, want to stay together, but the sex has waned to the point of non-existence.

With couples in this situation, there’s normally a lot of ‘undoing’ to be done before they can move forward sexually. They have to overcome the years of complacency and misunderstandings, unvoiced expectations, swallowed hurts, even to be able to come to a place of commonality from where they can stand firm together, hand in hand, looking in the same direction. Then the intimacy, eroticism and true desire can begin!

But it’s not easy. In fact, it’s hard slog. The path of reconnecting is not for the faint-hearted. You have to be vulnerable, you have to hear what you don’t want to hear, you have to bare your soul. You will feel you’re making progress, and then it will appear to crash in a heap and you have to pick yourself up and keep going.

The couple I mentioned were experiencing that, and were keeping on keeping on. They were feeling a bit despondent about it, until I explained it was a normal part of the process. Then the husband’s eyes lit up and he exclaimed: “This is our Kilimanjaro Walk!”

He went on to explain, that to climb Mount Kilimanjaro, it’s so gruelling, that the only way to make it to the top is to be very present in the now, taking each step one at a time. If you were to try to contemplate the whole journey it would be too overwhelming and you’d never even try. Keep on keeping on, regardless of stumbles and falls and exhaustion and bewilderment as to why you were crazy enough even to start - and you’ll get there. With this approach you can put up with the difficulties and can appreciate the beauty of the path, you can stop and acknowledge how far you’ve come without being overcome by how far you still have to go, and eventually you will get there.

The path to sexual reconnection - it’s every couple’s Kilimanjaro Walk.

To help you on your way to sexual connection, have private sessions with me, or attend a Couple's Tantra Fusion Workshop.

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Since I am a go-getter kind of a gal, I was asked recently to comment on the view that too many women in the West are too actively doing things to be able to attract a man, that “if you have a feminine core, your natural essence isn't to pursue, but to be pursued.” The implication in the question was that if you’re out there and active in the world, then you couldn’t have the receptive feminine core. 

Completely wrong! There is no contradiction in being feminine and active in the world. Being in your feminine means to be soft on the outside and strong on the inside, allowing your inner feminine strength to radiate out. Women who are aligned like this are strong, and they do achieve in the world. But they don’t achieve in a driven, masculine way, it’s a more flowing (and dare I say effective) approach to getting things done.

And importantly, they don’t ‘do’ anything to catch a man, rather they allow him to prove himself. A woman who is truly in her feminine knows her value and worth, she’s no eager beaver desperate for any man to like her, or a conniving fox playing games to win over a man. Oh no, she knows who she is, she shows the world who she is, and the right men are attracted to her. Then she can be selective.

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The human body is a sexual pleasure machine, and the female body even more so than the male.
That may seem surprising if your concept of someone’s ‘level of sexuality’ is determined by their ‘level of libido’. We’re rather too libido-oriented in this society. The general belief is that sex is a response to feeling horny. Along with that belief comes the implicit assumption that the hornier you feel, the better sex will be.

Since women have bought into this model and believe that they should be horny before they have sex, given that women’s sexuality isn’t the ‘gagging-for-it’ type: they tend to give up, they don’t do what it takes to get in the mood, generally thinking that there’s something wrong with them (if they’ve got low self-esteem) or claiming they’re ‘normal’, declaring that ‘women don’t like sex’ and their partner is ‘sex-crazed’ (if they’re more assertive).

It’s true that women don't tend to have libidos like men. Women’s sexuality is much less hormonally driven, it’s contextual. It depends so much on how a woman is feeling and what’s going on for, that determnes if she’s open and receptive to sex, not necessarily that she's ‘horny’.

Once a woman allows herself to get into the mood, and approaches sex in a more female-friendly way (ie not trying to be like a man) - wow, the places she can go! Because when it comes to the response side of sex (as opposed to the desire side) - well, women are far more superior then men!

Women can have orgasms that are more intense, more frequent and last longer than men’s. On top of the standard clitoral orgasm, which is similar in physiology and feel to the male ejaculatory orgasm, women can have orgasms through vaginal stimulation, g-spot (actually the urethral sponge) stimulation, A-spot or O-spot stimulation, cervical stimulation, anal stimulation, nipple stimulation, in fact, from virtually any part of their body, and even without physical touch (either by being in the presence of a man who’s very present in his masculinity, or by bringing herself to orgasm through breath and visualisation). Women can have multiple orgasms, wet orgasms (more commonly known by the dreadful male-centric term: female ejaculation), full body orgasms, and can stay in ecstatic states of arousal for very long periods of time.

Unfortuantely, most people don’t even realise what women’s sexual potential is. After a few decades of wondering why women are so sexual dysfunctional because they don’t function sexually like men, Western scientific research is only now starting to acknowledge that women’s sexuality is different. But it’s still way off realising just how wonderfully different women’s sexuality is.

Fortunately some people (like me!) are exploring beyond the boring limits of conventional models of sex in the West, taking on board the wisdom of older sexual traditions, such as the Tantric and Taoist, and doing a lot of personal research: I know all this is possible because I experience it.

When women realise it’s possible, they can start to experience it. When women have sexual responses like this, when they go to heaven, they take their man their with them. There is nothing a man likes more than to give his women this level of sexual pleasure. It satisfies him to his very core. It makes him feel like a Real Man. He may not be able to experience the level of feeling that she can, but he can feel fantastic for getting her there.

Female sexual response is extraordinary. It takes a while to get there, but like all good things, it takes time. The more time and attention you pay to something, generally the better the outcome.

Throw away the limiting beliefs, expand your possibilities to so much more - open yourself up to your glorious potential!

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I was honoured to give the reading at a friends’ wedding on the weekend. They’d chosen a reading they liked, but wanted it ‘sexed up a bit’ - and who better to ask? Like most wedding readings it was beautiful and poetic and spoke all about love and commitment and sharing and respecting, all good and important aspects of marriage - but nothing about sex and intimacy. As my friends rightly said: “It’s our sexual connection that brought us together and it’s what makes our relationship unique - so we want that celebrated in our wedding ceremony too!”

So, in the reading, I pointed out that a marriage (or any long-term relationship) is built on the three pillars of being friends, partners and lovers. You need all three in a strong, meaningful and fulfilling relationship.

Being friends means just that: enjoying each other’s company, sharing conversation and activities, and generally being good companions.